Sharing Breastmilk & Creating Family

Wet nursing is now uncommon in the West, but can be found many in other cultures. Many Cocos Malay women have breastfeed someone else's biological child, making that child into part of their family. This creation of family through shared milk contrasts with Western ideas that family comes from sharing the same 'blood'. Instead of wet nurse, I'll just call them breastfeeding mothers. 

Breastfeeding motherhood

Breastfeeding motherhood is almost intertwined with adoption for Cocos Malays. However, for the purposes of analysis, I'll keep them separate here. Here are some biographical notes Monika and  I collected from people who have a 'breast-feeding mother':

• Mak Dem told me she found out, as a child, that she had a 'breast-feeding mother'. After giving birth, her biological mother had health problems and was taken to West Island for medical care. So another woman had breast-feed Mak Dem. After Mak Dem found out about this, she began addressing her breastfeeding mother simply as 'mum' (Mak); similarly she calls her breast-feeding mother's husband 'dad' (Pak). She does not use the she would normally use for an adult--other people would address the couple as Nek Zal. Put another way, this husband and wife are related to Mak Dem because of the breast milk the wife shared.

• Mak Mae is a mother whose baby, Mae, has two breastfeeding mothers. Mak Mae is a Cocos Malay woman who has moved to Home Island from the Cocos Malay community in Katanning. Before she moved, she gave birth to her daughter Maesha. When Mak Mae started working in Katanning, another Cocos Malay woman offered to breast feed Maesha. Although the two women had gone to high-school together in Katanning they hadn't been so close. Mak Mae said she initially she was taken aback by the request, but she agreed. As a result, the two mothers (biological and breast) became very close. Maesha also considers the breast-feeding mother with deep affection, Mak Mae told me. So the breastfeeding brought these 3 people (birth mother, breast-feeding mother, and child) into a close bond. 

• Mrs Nek Sofia told me that her breast-feeding mother already had a biological son. Nevertheless, she wanted a daughter. So she asked Mrs Nek Sofia's biological mother if it would be alright to breastfeed Mrs Nek Sofia. Mrs Nek Sofia's mother acquiesced. Mrs Nek Sofia's husband said that Mrs Nek Sofia was, in effect 'adopted' by the breast-feeding mother. Mrs Nek Sofia agreed with this when I asked her. I'll discuss adoption more in a subsequent blog.

Milk siblings:
Mr Nek Sumila & Nek Ramdan 

• Aini / Mak Sofia. Nek Sofia told us that her next-door neighbour, and sister-in-law, Nek Kelem asked if she could breastfeed Aini. Nek Sofia agreed. Nek Sofia said it was always impromptu, based on when Nek Kelem wanted to breastfeed the Aini (presumably when her breasts were full). Aini's grandparents, Nek Sofia's biological parents, also looked after her. So Nek Kelem just came in to breast feed, more than to look after Aini for extended periods. Aini would also sleep at Nek Kelem's house.

• Nek Arena, an imam (Islamic preacher/scholar) told me he is a 'breast-feeding or breast-milk father' (bapak susu). His wife had breastfed Ayesha the biological child of Haji Hajat; Ayesha calls Nek Arena "bapak" or father. "It's a very strong bond," he added, between the breastfed child and Nek Arena, his wife, their children and grandchildren.

• Nek Ramdan said that she has a milk brother. Her mum breastfed Nek Sumila. Nek Sumila is also her mother's anak angkat; because he was dibuang by the Mokta family. He lived with Nek Ramdan's family and, importantly, got married at their house (i.e. the groom's part of the wedding celebrations were held at his house). 

Local understandings

These actual stories contrast with the theories people have about breastfeeding.

• Nek Arena also had an interesting take on breast-feeding mothers. He explained that the bond with a breast-feeding mother is stronger than just with an adopted child [but I think it depends on the scale of adoption]. If you only feed off a breast once or twice, then you're not a breastfed child. More than that three times, then you can be accepted as breastfed child. 
• Nek Rezeki (Bujang/Bohari's mum and Kylie's mother in law) said that tak boleh breastfeed someone else's child, according to hukum agama. Also she said that because we now have 'susu kaleng' it's not necessary to breastfeed another's child "dulu tak ada susu kaleng". Nek Rezeki has seven kids which explains why . "Kita tak tahu dulu".

I'm not sure if these opinions are widespread, but I never heard anyone else mention them. 

Cultural and social context

Stories like this are common in the Indonesian-Malay world, where you frequently meet people who have family through breastfeeding. In other words, breastfeeding can be seen as creating family; in the same way that Westerners are familiar with the idea of marriage and giving birth as creating family. Cocos Malays we spoke with emphasised the bond and the connection with he breastfeeding parents and milk siblings. How can we compare this to prevailing Western attitudes?

Finding children delightful

Delight in raising children

First, Cocos Malays view raising children differently. Raising children is idealised as a delight. Children are thought to be a blessing; parenthood (and, perhaps, grandparenthood) is possibly the greatest achieved status. Not having children is 'bored at home' (boring di rumah) in the words of Nek Shah. (This reminds of my fieldwork location in Java, where not being a parent leaves a person lonely (kesepian); being childless is something to be pitied (kasihan).) The attitude is slightly different to the Western approach; it tends to be indulgent of children. Perhaps it would be too imprecise and generalised to say that in the West raising children is viewed as a bit of a chore for which the child should be grateful; among the Cocos Malays raising children is a godsend for which the parent should be grateful. This might help explain why some lactating women seek to breastfeed other children.

Responsibility for raising children

Another reason is a sense of collective responsibility for children. As Cocos Malays see it, children aren't just their biological parents' responsibility. This is exemplified in the way the mothers and sometimes the father who attend the local playgroup and better beginnings program at the school would collectively look after the young children and babies, passing them around and taking care of them. Maybe the reason for this collective parenting is because they are all related. Yet, I think it is more than just that. In the Indonesian village where I undertook fieldwork the collective parenting much more pronounced and not confined to relatives. As another example, one local gentleman seemed to have a very low opinion of me. I was still unable to engage him in so much as a nod when we were in other's presence. One day I was inside and didn't notice my child quietly crying outside. The man took time, and not in a condescending or aggravated manner, to let me know. It was, as far as I could tell, merely out of concern for my child; and I am grateful to him for that. It did not mark the beginning of friendly relations between us; nothing really changed. Whatever he thought of me, he still looked out for my child in a caring fashion. This sense of collective responsibility may also contribute to understanding the sharing of breastmilk.

Breastmilk means something different

Another important factor pertains to the meaning of breast milk. Human breast milk obtains different significance in different cultures. For the Cocos Malays, sharing it with another person's biological child remains deeply meaningful. Nek Arena told me of a special prayer for the mother who provides breast milk; it is a "doa memulangkan air susu" . In that prayer, to paraphrase him, what we sucked from our mother we want to return to her. This prayer is also used for the breast-feeding mother. But it signifies the relationship continues on to the hereafter (akherat). Nek Sofia said susu is like blood; it makes you family. Shana said that the susu is more important than blood; it nourishes you, gives you life. English speakers use the expression 'blood is thicker than water' to emphasise the closeness of kin; we could say for the Cocos Malays that 'milk is thicker than water'.

Still taken from Mead's video, showing a mother breastfeeding another child, while her own child remonstrates

Bateson and Mead misunderstood Balinese breastfeeding. 

Controversial anthropologists, Gregory Bateson and Margaret Mead made a video showing Balinese mothers teasing their biological children by breast feeding the children of other mothers. Implicitly drawing on Freud, Bateson & Mead interpret the Balinese mothers as intensifying the attachment with their biological child and encouraging sibling rivalry. I think the opposite. I Balinese adults punish inappropriate behaviour in children by teasing and laughing at them. The mothers are simply teaching children Balinese values, such as 'you need to control your temper'; 'you cannot be possessive or jealous of your mother'. They are also showing kindness and neighbourliness by breastfeeding someone else's biological baby. I think Bateson and Mead couldn't see all this because they assumed that the mother would 'naturally' feed her own biological child.

Westerners tend to assume a natural breastfeeding connection between mother and biological son.  Breastfeeding is thought to be a deeply personal, unique, and at the same time natural, bond between biological mother and child.Bateson & Mead assume that the biological mother will breastfeed child--an assumption built in to Freud's theories The idea that the biological mother should be the breastfeeder. Even the pro-breastfeeding, quasi-feminist pamphlets seem to rely on this value, which Marxists like Habermas would understand as a bourgeois family value. However, to understand the breastfeeding mothers in Cocos Malay perspective, maybe it is more useful to think that any lactating woman could be the breastfeeder.

Westerners idealise breastfeeding as a natural connection between mother and her biological daughter.

Translating "Mak Susu" & "Mak Tetek"

Cocos Malays have two terms for what we have translated as breastfeeding mother--mak susu and mak tetek. I have been cautioned to use, when speaking Cocos Malay the polite term "mak susu". "Mak" means mother or mum. As in English, it is a form of address (e.g. "Mum, can I have a present?") and reference (e.g. "Where does your mum live"?). "Susu" presents more of a problem, meaning "breast"; "milk"; and "breast milk".  However, the common, and coarse,  term for breastfeeding mother is "mak tetek" . "Tetek" can mean "boob", "tit", and "nipple". In Indonesian, influenced presumably by Javanese, "netek" means to suckle, but we have not heard this verb used on Home Island. One woman explained to me in mixed Malay-English, a Mak Susu is "when you isap another person's tetek".

Translating 'mak susu'

People in English-speaking cultures are familiar with the idea of a 'wet nurse'. A wet nurse is a woman who, for a variety of reasons, was employed to breastfeed another person's child. A number of Cocos Malays we met were breastfed by a woman (or two!) aside from their own biological mother. In Cocos Malay, these people are referred to as "mak susu" (a politer term) or "mak tetek" (coarser). To translate, instead of 'wet nurse', I'll use the word "breastfeeding mother" (although  "milk mother" might have been more accurate). The term for husband of the breastfeeding mother is, "pak susu", which I'll translate as "breastfeeding father" (similarly "milk father" might have been better here) . The biological children of these people I will call, following the anthropological tradition, milk siblings (they are 'milk brothers' and 'milk sisters').

• "diambe" is a word that often comes up
• Nek Ramdan is a Mak Tetek to Pak Izahan. Pak Izahan is a twin. 

The Special Gift: Adoption & kinship

The Cocos Malays possess a specifically cultural practice of child adoption. The Malay term for  "anak angkat". A literal but loose translation would be 'taken up child', but it is usually translated as "adopted child". The parents don't sign papers and Australian law doesn't recognise it. The adopting parents' role can range from something akin to what Westerners would call a 'god-parent' (largely symbolic parenthood); to a kind of shared parenting (in which the child can go back and forth from the biological to adopted parents); and, at the other extreme, an intensive role in raising a child.

Everyone we spoke with seemed to have a slightly different take on Cocos adoption in general. So we have focused on actual stories. But often even what constituted the facts of these stories are inconsistent (e.g. who requested the adoption). It's probable that Cocos Malays themselves might find my account inaccurate.

A childless couple receives the 'special gift'

I ran into one of my friends, Rahman. He and his wife, Sinti, have been married for several years. They have been trying, without success, to conceive a child. He told me that they had adopted a child called Rubiya from Mak & Pak Nabila. Now, as is the Cocos Malay custom (see my blog on teknonymy) Rahman and Sinti are known as Mr & Mrs Rubiya [Pak & Mak Rubiya]. They have Rubiya for five days/week; and Pak & Mak Nabila have Rubiya for two. 

A few days later I bumped into Mak & Pak Nabila as they were walking their procreative daughter, Rubiya, in her pram as their first daughter Nabila was riding alongside. I asked them about the adoption. They are both fluent English speakers and explained to me in no uncertain terms that there is no way that they would just give away their daughter. They felt very sorry for Rahman and Sinti not being able to conceive their own child. It would be inconsiderate to let Rahman and Sinti be without when they were already blessed with children. And, at the same time, they love both their daughters equally--it would be inconceivable  for them to just give one away and never see her again. Because their houses are only 3 minutes walk away, they are constantly in contact. So I guess you could say that, viewed from the Cocos Malay perspective, giving Nabila to Rahman and Sinti was the 'natural solution' "We're all family anyway" But why did Mak & Pak Nabila, and not someone else on Home Island, give their child? Put simply, Mak Nabila and Sinti are related. First, they are 'sisters', but not in a sense that is usually recognised in the West. They both suckled from the same woman, their "mak netek" or "ibu susu". I guess because Mak Nabila and Sinti are so close. Second, as Sinti explained to my wife, both Mak and Pak Nabila are her cousins from her mother and father's side essentially, her adopted child is thus a close family member, that they are all related and part of an extended family. I think she said something like "we're all family anyway".

Becoming adopted parents

When parents give birth to their first child (call her Ayesha) in Cocos Malay society they, take the child's name. The dad becomes Pak Ayesha and the Mum, Mak Ayesha. I have written about this practice of teknonymy, as anthropologists call it, in another blog. 

What I didn't realise when I wrote that blog is that you can get a teknonym even if you are unmarried! A single woman Monika spoke to adopted her neighbour's child and took a teknonym. The biological mother's teknonym came from her first child. Asi got her teknonym from the second child. 

Additionally, Asi's fiancé  got his teknoym from this second child, even though the two of them are not married.

Examples of adopting

• Nek Sofia was the youngest biological child in her large family. She was adopted by her Mak and Pak Susu. They had a son but hadn't had a daughter. They were neighbours. The her Mak & Pak Susu had two more kids after they adopted her. She only remembers two things clearly. She remembered that by the age of 6 or 7 she wanted to go to sleep with her biological family. At the age of 10 or 11 she said that she would live back with her biological family. She still would visit her adopted family for meals. These day she visits Geraldton, where her adopted parents live. Her adopted brother sends her sate from Katanning; and her daughter sends sate from . The fish she sends are fish from the inside (lagoon fish) not outside fish (like tuna, sailfish etc.)
• Emira (Emi):  Arena told me that Nek Fazrih gave Emirah to her  adik younger cousin (or perhaps younger sister) Mak Emi. In this case there was what is regarded as a close family relationship between the giver and receiver.
• Mak Zizi (Grace) : Someone gave their fifth child to Grace. There was a connection between Grace and the child's biological mother. Grace requested the baby (kalo anak itu lahir saya minta anak itu). 
• Faizie: Lala is engaged to Azra. they've been a couple for 8 years. Mak Faizie is Lala's mother's niece [making them cousins]. Mak Faizie is Faizie's biological model. The situation in the family was 'difficult' [perhaps because Pak Faizie was from Malaysia?]. Faizie became Lala her anak angkat because he called her "mak" from the age of two when he started sleeping at her house sleeping. She's had the boy, Faizie, since he was 4 years old. That was when Faizie's father, Elzan, passed away last year. At that point, Faizie started calling Lala's fiance, Azra, Pak. However, the biological still goes by the name of Mak Faizie; which runs against the common practice of the adopting parent taking the child's name. Lala and Azra plan to Perth after they get married. Faizie will not go with them, because now his Dad has died, Faizie, at the age of 5 years notwithstanding, has become his mother's wakil (or formal representative). [This is the first case I've heard of in which an unmarried woman became a Mak Angkat].
• Nek Salbiah explained that her first child died. The baby girl was born with a kind of 'cut' in the head. Her husband was cutting wood, someone warned him, "don't cut wood your wive's pregnant--it's bad luck"--but the fact that this man voiced this warning was the bad luck. Then they had two sons--Wedding and Wezen. Then Nek Farid, Nek Salbiah's younger sister, had two boys and three girls. The couple wanted a daughter; so they adopted the three girls. Nek Salbiah helped look after the three girls. Nek Salbiah said that Nek Farid had requested. Because they didn't have a daughter, she and her husband were very happy to look after the girls. The girls called the "mak" and "pak" and visited them on Hari Raya. So Nek Salbiah explained that all her anak angkat. Siang malam makan di sini sejak bayi. 
• After the interview finished, Mak Alfin, Nek Salbiah's daughter-in-law said that it is not true that the girls called the "mak" or "pak", it was only "wak"; and maybe it was the first child who could be considered an anak-angkat, but not the other two. Nevertheless, she said, her mother-in-law does love all three girls, because they bathed them, wiped their bums, fed them, cooked for them. They really did take care of them, but the girls don't really treat them like adopted parents; they always go back to their mothers. Their mother never told them to call Nek Salbiah  "mak". And when the girls got married, the tarob was at Nek Farid's not at the adopted parents.
• Mak Alfin says that the girl who Nek Fifi has adopted calls her Mak but she doesn't want to acknowledge this. If you acknowledge someone, in her opinion, you are responsible for the child, you will be . She gives her selawat and food because the child lacks care. It's as if she wants to be adopted.
• Nek Sumila said that he had an Indonesian adopted parents. The couple were on Home Island, apparently as part of a religious congregation or gathering. It wasn't clear if Nek Sumila was still be in contact with them

From the child's perspective

The parents do not seem to push the adoption too hard. It seems that the kids have big say. Children kids often decide which of their parents' house' they will sleep. Often it seems the kids decided 'seenak-enaknya' (just as it suits them).

I'm not sure what this all looks like from the child's perspective. Most people seem to agree that they tend to 'milk' it. When they are young they get typically get spoiled with food and drink, special treats. As they get older, if they get in trouble with one set of parents, they go and stay with the other parents.

From the Imam's perspective

I asked Nek Arena, a religious specialist (imam) about this. His opinion was different to other I came across. H: 

Allah Ta'ala supaya Azrin dan Munirah bleh mempunyai anak. Ikut, mengikut, supaya Azrin boleh mempunyai anak. 

In his opinion, an adopted child, according to Islam, may not inherit from the adopted parents; or at least not inherit anything if there is an 'actual child' 

The biological parent has the right to put on Nikah (religious aspect of wedding) not the adopted parent. Even if the biological father has died, it has to be another biological male who marries  Maureen lamented that she couldn't put on the wedding for her adopted child. Nek Arena explained that, according to tradition, the "jemput makan" or "party" is also at the biological father's house. However, the adopting father "tetap ada di samping". (by contrast, when Allen's adopted son got married, it was at Allen's house, and Nek Fifi ada di samping--but maybe this only reinforces the point because in the case it was a formalised arrangement).

Fluidity of adoption

The practice is fluid. The kind of adoption I'm interested is not once-and-for-all. For example in one instance, an infertile couple began adopting a chid through weekly visits. They took their teknonym from the chid. However, the mother did conceive. They began to scale back the visits and the teknonym began not to be applied any longer.

What makes a couple want to give the 'special gift' 

On Home Island, Nek Arena told me of a case in which a young boy was continually unwell. It was thought that something between the kids and the biological parents, something unseen ('alus') was affecting the child. The biological parents decided that he would be adopted.

Mak Laila's second daughter had a blood problem--low in white cells?. So diambe anak angkat by the next door neighbour Nek Fifi. [Eventually Mak Laila and Nek Fifi had an affair.] Nek Fifi will be responsible for the child financially, but the child also lives with Nek Fifi full time.

What makes a couple want to receive the 'special gift'

By pull factors, I mean what makes a couple want to adopt a child:

• Not having a child.
• Not having a child of a specific gender.
• Replace a child who had passed away (childbirth etc)
• The people who receive the child may be The childless married couple
• To be blessed eventually with a biological child, the adopted child helps bring about 'good luck' to the household and eventual fertility, or to the woman if she is 'single'
• To help a family member, a neighbour or a friend in difficult need of babysitting, a single mother, a young mother with heavy responsibility either ritual or employment, mother with many children -- doing a good deed and getting the love of a child in return who calls you 'mak' or 'pak' which is an honorific given to you whether or not you are single/married in the case of an anak angkat or adopted child.

Challenges

All this suggests to me that it is very difficult to understand if one starts by assuming a biological family as a natural unit. I don't think Cocos Malays share this assumption. Instead, the family is much more fluid.  shouldn't go too far with this. When speaking with me English, Cocos Malays often refer to the biological parents as actual parents. In other words English term 'adopted child' is sometimes used. To distinguish what I would, awkwardly and ambiguously call the 'biological child, the English term "actual child" is also frequently used.  In Cocos Malay, the term  'anak betol' (an actual child) explained as 'anak dari kandong sendiri' or 'anak yang dilahirkan dari kandongannya sendiri' seem to be common .

• Pak Emi  (policeman brother of Haji Adam) adopted Emi from Nek Sari
• Nek Fifi (Haji Zaitol) had all boys but were looking for a girl Norain from (Mimi) Mak Pak Lelah (Suranah and Asman)
• Mak Arena from Balong Kokos was an anak angkat
• Saufie
• Jane Collin is adopted.  Madie Sigma (guy in Parth) is her biological brother. This adoption was formalised; she took [her grandfather's ?] name.
• Ashari Allen (who got married after we were in the pink house) his biological dad is nek fifi. But he was raised by Pak Allen Medis (Nek Awlia; Pak Ashari--pak ashari is nek fifi's nephew). Maybe I could talk to Ashari???

Adoption in Banyuwangi, East Java

What makes biological parents want to make the special gift of a child?  In Banyuwangi Indonesia, I heard of cases where  the newborn baby is too much for the biological parents. The parents already had too many children, or particularly, gave birth to twins. I have also heard of cases in which the biological parents were not married. For instance, an unmarried woman gave birth to a boy. The boy was taken up by the unmarried woman's father, who, in a sense, adopted his grandson. Another reason is that one or both parents might have died. In other words, the situation made it more difficult to raise the child. Most generally, it seems, in my fieldwork location, there was a sense of 'kasihan'--a sense of pity towards couples who do not have a child--and a desire to help out.

In Banyuwangi it is common for a married couple who already have at least one biological child to give a baby to a childless married couple. Sometimes the married couple is not childless. They may only have daughters and thus they might be given a son. The practice is usually informal; there are no adoption papers etc. In one case I knew of, there was some misgiving over inheritance--the adopted child had inherited from his adopted parents. This was contrary to the rules, at least as local people understood them, of Islamic inheritance.

 I think I also recall cases in which the giving couple felt they were too poor to raise another child ; they would give their child to a married couple who were able to raise the child. In such a case whether the receiving couple were childless or had children of only one gender was not so important.  As I recall, the two couples will often be related or if not have some other connection such as living in the same village.

Adoption in Australia'Western' style adoption

Westerners would be familiar with adoption in a number of circumstance. For example, if a young child's parent's die, if a child is 'born out of wedlock'*, if the biological parents are deemed legally unfit to raise a child. that child may be adopted. Since the 1970s, gay and lesbian parents have turned to adoption to build families.

In Western conceptions of self, possession, and giving; giving is a way of transferring ownership from one individual to another. To take it to an extreme, in the West, an individual is a completely separate unit, extricable from his or her social context. What the individual owns is entirely this individual's business; no one else has say. When this individual gives a gift; the gift becomes the possession of another individual. The giver has no special claim or say over it anymore, This becomes complicated in cases of adoption though...

*A child is said to be 'born out of wedlock' if the child's biological mother is unmarried or she is married, but the biological father is not thought to the woman's husband. The phrase is uncommon these days, but even up to the 1960s it was thought to be a big problem.